Long ago, the math was simple. The more one fucked around, the more they found out.
The term “fuck around, find out,” is very literal in this case. pic.twitter.com/ojHQ94tVN0
— Leisha (@LoneStarChica) September 10, 2024
This beautiful equation kept society functioning for a long time. People generally inclined to fuck around would hesitate and think about their choices. Norms were established.
"I'm really excited for today's college football game," some frat boy would think to himself. "Should I follow a 6'3", 282-lb. ex-lineman with my phone and yell homophobic slurs about his sibling?"
Then, after a moment of reflection: "Nah. It's probably unwise to fuck around in such a manner, lest I find out."
"Time to write my column," a journalist would think as they settled in at their laptop. "Gonna criticize this 7-foot, 280-lb. center. Lots of reasonable ways for me to do it. Should I start by bringing up his dead brother?"
Similarly, after crunching the numbers: "Hmm. That's quite a high level of fuckery. Would likely lead to a lot of finding out. I'll write something else."
This worked for a long time.
Unfortunately, sometime in the 1990s, Al Gore invented the internet. And suddenly the equation no longer held true. Keyboard warriors could engage in copious amounts of fucking around without ever finding out. People would say things online that they would never say to someone's face.
And then, as if that wasn't bad enough, these trolls started migrating off of their keyboards. Shielding their eyes from the sun, they would emerge from their parents' basements and stumble into the real world. After years of happily saying the most horrible things imaginable without consequence, they felt emboldened to do things like this:
Jason Kelce smashes Penn State students phone after he shouts:
“Kelce how does it feel that your brother is a f****t for dating Taylor Swift?”
pic.twitter.com/aD6wp99vux
And emboldened to write things like this:
For the visual learners out there, here's what happened to the graph:
This is unsustainable in a well-functioning society. If individuals fuck around without finding out, they will fuck around even more. A vicious cycle develops, until everyone is just fucking around as much as they please.
As recently as Saturday, it seemed like this cycle could not be broken.
But two heroes emerged. From Philadelphia, of course. And they started to restore equilibrium.
Turns out it may still be a bad idea to throw slurs at that ex-lineman:
Penn State fan is lucky Jason Kelce didn’t knock his ass out.
pic.twitter.com/tO5J4CdJtL
And you may not want to reference a dead relative in your basketball column:
"Joel Embiid got into a physical altercation, shoving a columnist in the postgame locker room tonight." @ShamsCharania on Joel Embiid and the NBA's investigation into the incident on Saturday. pic.twitter.com/p2z3nJqrEY
There's a reason why almost everyone is siding with Kelce and Embiid over these incidents. It's because we can relate.
We may not all be subject to the level of vitriol that professional athletes endure. But we've all had conversations where someone is fucking around way too much. And we've all felt the sadness of realizing that someone would never find out. When we see Kelce and Embiid fighting to restore basic human decency, it gives us hope for a brighter future.
This battle is far from over. More phones will need to be smashed and more writers will need to be shoved.
But for one day, at least, it feels like the tide may be turning.
Society once everyone finds out
